The First Month...

There has been a month of memories made with our little boy...  Life has become something brand new, a simpler yet deeper picture of existence, filled with the quiet yet vital activities of keeping a new little life moving forward...

I look back at all the subtle, all the momentous changes we three have seen, just in the space of a few weeks.  

I think of how almost daily I've wanted to just jot down a few sentences on this blog, always shying away knowing every moment of time to myself is precious now and I really should sleep, eat, shower, clean, organize, write thank-yous instead...

We have a beautiful baby, a darling little boy, who is loved, so loved... The first week, many loving arms wrapped around our little one, and so many loving hands brought food and gifts.  Daniel's amazing family came by often, helping us through those sleepless nights, those moments when baby needed us but our stomachs were starved, our exhausted bodies needed hot showers, or our minds needed a breather from the surreal, intense new tasks we had so quickly been launched into. Parenthood is incredible, though. The alertness of a new parent's sense of hearing, sight, and touch is amazing...and exhausting! Every little move and sound he makes, we notice. The amount of diaper changes is shocking. The amount of sleep you get is what they tell you: little. The amount of joy you feel in waking up every morning to see a little baby beside you is unreal... 

Nursing is hard work from day one...  This natural activity of nourishing new little life seemed very daunting.  Was he getting enough?  Was he eating often enough?  Was I really doing it right?  The tiny little mouth of a six pound baby had trouble getting latched and staying on, but Caleb was determined, and so was I.  We were going to do this.  For the first few days, my neck felt stiff and my arms ached from holding a position so foreign to me for half the day, half the night, day after day...  Going from ten hours of sleep to four hours every night began to catch up to me and I would sit in my rocking chair with Caleb at my chest, blinking back tears, loving my baby so much but needing rest so badly..  I would look over at Daniel, who was equally exhausted, and see his weary eyes staring back at me.  The thought would cross my mind that it would be so lovely for just five minutes to go back in time and be as we were before Caleb, without the haze of exhaustion, without the world, the day, the night totally changed. And figuring out each other's needs in brand new roles is tough, especially when you are so tired, when you can't even muster enough brain to figure out what to have for breakfast.  Slowly but surely, however, I am adjusting to the task and to taking naps instead of getting a full night's rest. It is a time of growing... for baby and for us.  Feeding Caleb has become a special time to learn how to read him, a time to look into his little face and love him even more.  I love the way his hands knead my chest like a little kitten, and the way his eyebrows rise and fall with varying expression as he sucks away.

Daniel and I took Caleb for his first walk one day, not long after his birthday...It was wonderful to get out of the house. I stepped out the front door and saw the long road winding down the hill bordered with trees that had begun to change colour over night, it seemed!  Autumn was here.  The sun and gentle, cool breeze felt so incredible on my back as we walked slowly down the road with our tiny little bundle, so fresh from heaven, who was drinking in the fresh air of Earth for the first time.

My mother drove all the way up from California to spend an entire week with us.  Her presence was amazing, just being with us in those slow, lovely, challenging days of learning our baby. She was there for his one week checkup, when we discovered he had gained back his birth weight and more!  I was glowingly happy... He was gaining more than average every day!  In that moment, all those difficult hours of mastering the art of feeding him seemed so, so worth it! My mom was here for his first bath in his little tub, a bath which he adorably slept through, enjoying the warm water surrounding his tiny little body.  

Mom got to come to a lovely little baby shower Leslie and her sister, Auntie Louise, threw for us.  It was a spectacular British high tea, with gluten-free scones, clotted cream, and everything!  It was Caleb's first outing, and it went so well.  It was jolly fun to laugh and visit with both of my mothers and watch Caleb enjoy cuddles with them and other beloved friends and family.  Mom was also there for so many of those precious little moments...those flickering smiles in his sleep, those cute little smirks, and those hours when his deep, dark eyes gazed out at the world with a fresh alertness.  There's something about your own mother...Having her there each morning, taking the baby and keeping him asleep so I could sleep, making me a snack or tea or dinner, encouraging me through the panicked or tired moments was so comforting... I miss her terribly now that she's gone.  

My dad came to visit the following week.  It was so special watching him bounce Caleb "speedboat style" (just imagine the inconsistent bumps on a choppy lake) or wrap him up like a baby burrito with his expert swaddling technique... as he did with me and my siblings.  We had a bumper crop - a major bumper crop - of tomatoes, and have been eating them on toast and with pasta and in salads for an entire month, giving loads away to whoever walks in our front door and remotely likes tomatoes.  What a treat it was when my dad turned a whole lot of them into a delicious tomato soup - with fresh onions and carrots from our garden, too! It was the best I ever had.  My dad came with us for some of Caleb's first outings as well... to the midwife and the public health office and even out to lunch. It was exciting for me to be out and about, and a new experience to hear the whisperings all around us, "That's such a tiny baby!" "It's a brand new baby!" "So cute!"  It was so much fun sharing Caleb with Grand-dad...Good memories.

And so the days have passed... I am getting used to the fact that 80% of the time, my food is cold, no matter what the dish.  I am gradually able to get out my more close-fitting shirts as my postpartum tummy pulls back in and is less of an eyesore to my vanity. Daniel brought home bushels of apples he turned into delicious applesauce, some batches tasting like apple pie filling and others fancied up with pomegranate or plums.  He finished a furniture piece for a client, which was a real triumph after months of planning and building.  It's a work of art.  He's back to work now.  I am learning how to cope with Baby solo.  

Daddy Dan copying Caleb's cutie face

Gradually, we have watched Caleb's little cheeks pudge, his eyes grow more alert, and his face grow more precious and adorable every day.   There is no end to the wonderful little moments we share together as a family... I look at our little man, and see so much of Daniel. It's odd to see a baby version of your husband. I see myself sometimes, too...  And sometimes I wonder if Salem has any of Caleb's little features.  Our grief has changed now that Caleb is in our arms.  I have looked at Caleb, his little face nestled against me, and have found myself overwhelmed with the silent distance between me and my other child in heaven.  I wish I could hold him as I hold Caleb.  I wish I could see his little face, hear his little noises, and know all his little quirks as I know his brother's.  It still aches for both Daniel and I.  It all happened a year ago, nine days after Caleb's birth date... That was such a different autumn.  

Those memories will always be with us, and one child does not replace the other...  But we will love and enjoy Caleb, counting him all the more precious, a baby we get to keep and experience life with this side of things.  There is no way to express how deep the love goes for your own child, a person who would never have existed apart from yourself... It is a miracle.

Caleb is here, sleeping on the couch.  I have just finished breakfast...at lunch time.  I slept until nine o'clock, fed Caleb, made the bed, changed a diaper, fed Caleb again, made bread, made breakfast, and blogged.  That's a pretty good morning.  It's been a rough week for our little guy with his digestive system, but we hope for a better week now that I have researched what foods to avoid eating while breastfeeding.  I have been trying terribly hard not to kick myself for eating things that upset his little tummy, but it's tough not to...  As a mom, you just feel so responsible.  You just do.  But I feel today will be better... it is already!

Dan is away with a friend today, hunting an elk... I do hope they come home successful.  It was so awesome to see my husband so ecstatic about the trip, so motivated as he packed his gear last night!  He has been such an attentive, patient, helpful husband and father this month, I am so glad he can enjoy the woods and the guns today.  It's such a huge part of who he is to be out in nature like that...

Daniel and I have arranged a date night every week, usually Wednesday.  It has been so fun to plan and look forward to something to enjoy together, apart from baby care or daily maintenance of life.  Last week, Daniel ordered pizza to eat as we watched a movie, and then he surprised me by transforming the kitchen into an art studio.  We painted a canvas, side by side, with a refreshing autumnal scene...blue sky, clouds blushing with sunset, and birches flaming with fall colours. I was thrilled. Caleb segmented the date with feeds, but we enjoyed the challenge of being flexible.  This week, I planned the date, making French onion soup (that took all afternoon as Caleb wanted lots of cuddles), setting the table with the real silver and antique candlesticks, and having us dress up as if we were going out for some fancy, gourmet French cuisine.  We finished off the evening dancing to our favorite love songs, Caleb in the sling half the time, lulled to sleep as we moved around the kitchen...by candlelight.  I have the most beautiful family...

Autumn really is here.  I see the light dusting of snow on Mount Prevost, the mountain we see from our living room window.  Already!  I see the leaves in reds, yellows, and oranges, blanketing the sidewalk. I feel my toes chilled by the night temperture drop, still wearing off in the house.  I feel the cozyness of my sweater.  It's a new season, in life and in the year...  I love my baby so much. I love my life, with all its new challenges and joys.  I love my Creator, my Shepherd, who is guiding me along a path through time He has laid out for me and for us.  It is truly and intensely beautiful in a mundane, wearying, inspiring, overwhelming, joyful, miraculous way.